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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

New members to my family!

Birthday came a little early this year as these fine gentelmen appeared in my closet April 24th.

Rats

The boy with three spots on his back Hollie named "Ratzinger" (very clever I think). I named the other "Rodent Langdon." Just "Langdon" or "Rod" for short. Since both names have ties to it we named the cage "the Vatican."

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Ratzingers on the Left, Langdon on the right. The Rats are absolutely awsome plus they have a bit of growing left to do. I bought a crawler ball so they can run around, and as time goes on stuff will be added to their cage.

Feel free to stop by and say hello!


logged by Unknown at 12:09 AM






Saturday, April 23, 2005

We are above those who are below.

This is how I believe the Tag and Axe body sprays came into existance. Sort of...

Prologue:
Joel Port: (on the phone) Yeah! Yeah! Is this Channel? I would like to pitch an idea to you retards! Yeah! Yeah! I call it not-subtle advertising.
-pause-
Mysterious phone voice: We are intrigued. At nineteen hundred hours be at our front door, when the fog screen releases you from its bondage follow the scent down lovers hall to our plush lounge so we may speak man to man.

Scene:
Joel enters a room that looks vaguely familiar as a room he saw on tv once... Or maybe it was a dream. He is instructed to sit by a large red plush chair in which sits a small french man and he takes a seat in a glorified polka dot bean bag chair.
Sharlette: You smell like cheeseburgers and Heiny.
Joel: Heiny?
Sharlette: Heiny! Yes. Beer! Ugly smell, reminds me of tractors.
Joel: Yes, well I had a beer before I left home.
Sharlette: Well aren’t we are a quick desert fox. My name is Sharlette and I control what you smell when you smell it and even where you smell it. I make your girlfriend smell magical so you wish to get in her pants. I dance images of popcorn in your head when you walk into a movie theater, I even produce a new car smell every year so that those rancid SUVs sell like hotcakes. My rule is undeniable but there is something missing. Joel, that missing link lies in you.
Joel: No shit! I am a fucking genious.
Sharlette: You are an Ox.
Joel: I was in advertising 101 just the other day when we were talking about sex in advertising.
Sharlette: Yes, yes, I know all about sex, Channel has sex in all their commercials.
Joel: You call that sex? Look, I am about to lay an A-Bomb on your ass so you better be ready for this.
Sharlette: (sharply) You know nothing of my ass.
Joel: Except you live in a world that has no reality ingrained in it. Look at me!
Sharlette: You are putrid.
Joel: I am a common man. I and all my brothers have no use for you or your scents.
Sharlette: I am all too aware of your ignorance.
Joel: You have tried for countless years to get us to buy cologne so we smell good but to little avail.
Sharlette: You have not responded to any of our advertising campaigns.
Joel: Exactly! You snub us with sexy men and women, and whisper your name, and it gets you nowhere because we can’t figure out what the hell is going on! You think you are subtly sexing your market, but all you are doing is rousing confusion in the male. If you want him, me, to respond you need to be more direct.
Sharlette:You slob, sex is direct.
Joel: Not subtle sex. Look at beer advertising. Normal guys, sexy girls, familiar locations, and humor.
Sharlette: I shudder.
Joel: Just replace beer with your product and you have got something. What your commercials really need is that 1-1 correlation, that slap in the face “use this you shitface” jab. It is as simple as saying “this product will make girls have sex with you.” No need to use subtlety on your audience during their football commercial breaks. (gets inspiration) “Just do it.”
Sharlette: You have one hole in your story.
Joel: please please, my story is all about hoes.
Sharlette: Women must not be offended. The prices they pay for our products yield profits Rockefeller could only dream about.
Joel: That’s why you start with a clean slate. A new product. Something not in a prissy glass bottle. Shit, you could but it in a shave gel bottle for all I care, and give it a manly name. Like Razor, or Warhammer.
Sharlette: Yes. Yes. Yes. You have opened my eyes to a new world of profitability.
Joel: So when do I get my check?
Sharlette: Really now. Did you think you will be paid for this? This wasn’t a consultation as much as it was an assault on my nostrils. I should sue you for walking on the gravel by the entrance.
Joel: yeah, well, I feel I should get something.
Sharlette: Monique at the front desk will give you samples of our new fragrances, and a style magazine.
Joel: You're loosing me Shar.
Sharlette: Fine, and you will get a years supply of this new product. Ok?
Joel: Yes. I want the sex.
Sharlette: Leave fast, I need the oxygen bar to cleanse my head of your tinge.


logged by Unknown at 9:58 PM






Saturday, April 16, 2005

flavored, naturally.

I was drinking Minute Maid Strawberry Passion drink just now when I noticed something interesting: The label states, "Naturally Flavored Fruit Drink with other Natural Flavors."
Just what am I enjoying in my fruit drink if it contains natural flavors and *gasp* more natural flavors? A little redundant aren't we?
The label is no more help unless you consider glycerol ester of wood rosin natures candy. Except I see something strange... something hidden between all the chemicals... oh my! it appears to read "natural flavors."
In addition to fruit juices it mentions by name I get mystery ingrediants in my drink. At least I know they are natural, right?
Woa, I had a sick-mind moment... Natural flavors... hmm... what could that poss- oh shit.


logged by Unknown at 6:30 PM